In so many words...

From Paris to New York 

If I all I see is you, and all I feel is truth and all I used to breathe was your subtle illusion of love.
If all the pain that slowly thickens and builds around the vital organs in my chest, if all of that is sane and all that is concrete. If all that is reality and love and hurt and if all that is bleeding and broken and torn apart. If all of this is today and yesterday.
If all of this will be tomorrow? 
Then will you love me in the days to come?
But they told me I'd feed off of it. They warned me. They said I would breathe it, I would quench my thirst through it. They told me that even when my eyes were open my heart would stay closed.
And they knew better than I did.
I am starving.
I am dry.
I am gasping for air that I know no longer exists.
The air is gone.
They said I would feed off of it... but I guess I never got the chance to. So let me die of hunger, let me die of pain.
Let me die from the love I thought would keep me sane.

They said she saved the broken. She pieced together the broken hearts and souls and glued them so tightly that even when she let go they would hold, and despite the cracks the souls were whole again, the people were human again, the hearts were unbroken. And she walks away and spends the night binging and puking, with tears in her eyes and cuts to her thighs. And she awakes with a smile across her face in a vain attempt to camouflage her shattered soul. They said she saved the broken, but who will save the saviour?

I saw him today... He was with his friends..some I knew. Some I didn't. He didn't notice me at first, I was making my way down the escalator. I had a clear birds eye view of the entire food court, he was making his way to the narrow alleyway that led to the bathroom between the wall and the escalator (you know.. The one I was on). And somehow he looked up and found me... Our eyes locked. He waved and smiled. I was surprised, I thought he hated me by now. It was a nice wave, cute even, dare I say. The gesture held so many meanings. It said 'hey, i know it's been a while, but I still remember you'. That wave made my day... It's pretty amazing how someone could have that much of an affect on you... But what can I say, I remembered him too..

"Just do me a favour" she said"...Don't ever fall in love". I asked her why she would ever say such a thing. Love, well to my one track mind, is beautiful. It's the one thing that keeps everything in life moving."everything moving?" She said. "How so? How it eats you away in your sleep, how you end up with daydreaming eyes hoping for things that you know will never happen. How it gives someone, to whom you are completely insignificant, the power to reign over you, the power to break you in two. It is a drug. it tears you apart day by day and i ask Why can't he simply be addicted to me like I am to him...it's simple." I took two steps forward before responding "maybe it isn't love that tears you apart.... But the lack of receiving that same love back. " she turned around and started to slowly walk away and even though she whispered I could still hear her mumble "we accept the love we think we deserve". And she was gone...

Maybe if I close my eyes for long enough I can imagine the unimaginable. Imagine the value in myself that no one ever saw… if it ever existed to begin with. If I close my eyes and simply breathe in the rush of warm air that gracefully laces the creases of my skin and into my face… maybe then I will feel some sensory, maybe my numbed veins will begin to defrost and slowly melt into what they were meant to be. Could my brain possibly control every inch of my being? Maybe if I close my eyes I can imagine the unimaginable… But if I close my eyes, who will guarantee that they will ever open again...